Need help connecting with people? Try listening better

Real connection starts with giving people your full attention

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How often have you tossed out a quick “How are you?” without even pausing long enough to hear the answer?

The other person could reply, “I just won the lottery!” or “My life is falling apart and the dog died,” and it wouldn’t matter. You mumble, “That’s nice,” and walk away.

The message is pretty clear, whether you intended it or not.

Think about how it feels when you’re dealing with a nonlistener. It’s unsettling trying to talk to someone who can’t stop glancing at their phone, switching browser tabs or scanning the room for a better conversation. You start wondering why you bothered opening your mouth. What’s the point of trying to connect if the other person can’t be bothered to stay present for even a moment?

We simply don’t invest enough of ourselves or our attention in actual conversation anymore. Surveys in Canada also show that many people feel their ability to concentrate has declined in recent years, which doesn’t make it any easier.

We spend plenty of time thinking about what we want to say. But how much time do we spend listening to what matters to the other person?

The competition for our attention is intense. A single conversation has to fight your texts, email, social feeds and constant alerts. Statistics Canada now reports that about one in eight Canadians “always or often” feel lonely, which only raises the stakes for the moments when someone does try to connect.

But listening still sits at the heart of good communication, and eye contact or, these days, looking into the camera instead of your own face in the corner of the screen, is still a basic sign of respect.

Some people can juggle many things at once. But if you’re checking your phone, glancing at another window or getting distracted by anything else while someone is talking, they will feel ignored.

Yawning, sighing, scrolling, fidgeting or glancing at the clock all broadcast the same message: “I have absolutely no interest in what you’re saying.” For older Canadians especially, the timing could not be worse. Recent national research shows nearly half of people 50 and older are now considered at risk of social isolation.

Is that really what you want people to hear?

The first moments of an interaction are still your best window for connection. If you capture someone’s interest early, they’re more likely to stay with you. Miss that window and their attention wanders fast.

Let the other person finish what they’re saying. Interrupting is just another way of announcing, “My thoughts matter more than yours.”

Conversation isn’t supposed to be filler. It’s meant to build connection.

So next time you’re waiting for an appointment, in a meeting or chatting online, how do you turn a quick exchange into something meaningful?

Start with real questions. You don’t need to be witty or brilliant. You just need to stop, focus and listen. The questions will come naturally once you’re paying attention.

Choose your moments to connect deliberately. Put a little more effort into your listening the next time someone speaks to you. You might be surprised at what you learn and how much more memorable you become.

Faith Wood is a professional speaker, author, and certified professional behaviour analyst. Before her career in speaking and writing, she served in law enforcement, which gave her a unique perspective on human behaviour and motivations. Faith is also known for her work as a novelist, with a focus on thrillers and suspense. Her background in law enforcement and understanding of human behaviour often play a significant role in her writing.